The holidays are upon us…how are you doing?

As busy leaders of successful businesses who also have personal lives, it can all feel like too much this time of year.

But there may be one strategy you’re unconsciously using that is actually making things harder than they need to be this time of year and beyond. This is playing the role of Hero on the beloved drama triangle.

 

Every Hero Needs a Victim

Especially for women, the Hero loves to come out to play when things are especially hectic. It’s an opportunity to step in, step up and “take care of it all” because “who else is going to do it?”

It feels so great to play the Hero. Swooping in. Fixing everything. Making sure it all goes to plan. Resolving conflicts. Saving others.

But, there is a dark side to the Hero, too. It is simmering (or boiling over) resentment. It’s exhaustion. It’s frustration.

It also blocks the opportunity for others to step in and support you.

I saw this a lot during my time in brokerage leadership. Organizations are full of the person who steps in to “solve the problem” and make everyone feel better. They are heralded, praised and promoted. But, they are also burned out, exhausted and creating a dysfunctional culture of disempowerment.

For you to play the Hero role requires others to:

• Pass the buck
• Lack confidence
• Create emergencies
• Feel powerless
• Play the Victim
• Appear needy
• Be in conflict

If you find yourself complaining about others in this way, you usually know you’re Hero’ing.

 

Moving from Hero to Coach

A common response from a Hero reluctant to leave that role behind is, “But it’s just faster and easier for me to do it myself.”

That may be true today but how much is it costing you over time to do this vs. coaching those around you to take more responsibility? In order to move from Hero to Coach, you have to shift to empowerment and trust. You must let people own their own outcomes. Scary, right?

>> Take the holiday example. Perhaps you spent the day baking and decorating cookies with your family. You could choose to just clean up the kitchen yourself because it’s easier. Everyone around you would love it. They might even tell you so. But that’s you as the Hero vs. inviting everyone in to take a piece of that clean up job. Where, at the end, you aren’t resentful and everyone else can contribute to the outcome (even if you have a grumbling teenager, it’s good for them).

>> Or, take the real estate business example. Perhaps, as an agent team leader, you have a transaction coordinator. What you’ve found is your TC is 90% accurate but that 10% always makes you nervous. So you find that you’re checking her work regularly. You are the Hero here because you are saving your clients from any controllable turbulence. But you’re also likely frustrated that you are paying someone but “doing their job.” You can continue to do this “because it’s harder to have a tough conversation or find someone new” or you can choose to give responsibility back to your TC and create an agreement about performance expectations.

 

Coaching Role Musts

To move to a Coaching role vs. a Hero role, you must:

• See others as creators of their own lives
• Drop the story that others are in need of fixing
• See others as whole, resourceful, and creative
• Appreciate the value pain and suffering can bring to others

This is true for company leaders, agent team leaders, real estate coaches and even parents.

 

Or, Just Pull The Rip Cord

Know that if your “bucket is empty” it can be very hard to shift from Hero to Coach. If that’s the moment you’re in right now, you are feeling drama, reactivity or defensiveness. And it’s almost impossible to shift from there. So, start by doing what you need to regroup – walk, breathe, ask yourself how you might be contributing to the situation, etc. 

Once you’re in a place of openness, curiosity and presence, then you will have the wherewithal to consider move from Hero to Coach. 

While the Hero role can feel powerful and important, continuing to engage with those around you in this way ultimately leads to resentment. Instead, consider how to invite others in and create space for them to contribute and for you to move to Coach.